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I missed out one day. Yeah! and I do not feel guilty or have a bad conscience! When I started blogging again last week I had this goal of posting every day. But I don’t have to, do I. The same with the journalling. The journalling is an absolute great way to use it for blogging. When I started off with this blog I was a dedicated knitter. So knitting and anything to do with yarn was the main theme for my posts.  Now I am a “just” knitter. Plus I am playing with paint. And always wandering on and off spiritual paths. So these are the things I am putting my thoughts down about now. But where was I going with this? Oh yes! I missed out yesterday. I did not journal AND I did no blog-post. And it made sense in regards to the journal prompt as well. Go gently.

You see, I had another day off yesterday. Husband back to work, kids back to school, I was at home, waiting for a delivery. And I had time. Or not. After the kids left for school I went back for another hour’s snooze, got up, had breakfast, made room for our delivery, started cooking for lunch, and after lunch I took out my painting stuff, meaning to start on the journal page. But the cover of the journal still was not decorated, so instead I put some paint down on the outside instead of the inside, and as if planned, when I was done with the first layer of paint, the doorbell rang and the delivery-guys were here. That was that. Journal time finished for the day.

So going gently for me is not to push myself too far. To have care for myself, to feel what’s comfortable and what is too much. It’s not always possible, and most of the times going gently does not work, but more and more it does. I guess it’s just another kind of practise-thing. When I find I need to step back and go gently I have to let go this expectation of myself being perfect.

Yesterday I was going gently. First it felt like I was letting myself down, then the stubbornness appeared but went away again. I decided to go gently and leave journalling – and blogging – for the next day. And I was at ease.

How about I challenge you to make this deliberate decision as well and go gently with yourself?

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Ring the bells that still can ring – Forget that perfect offering – There is a crack in everything – That’s how the light gets in. Leonard Cohen

Perfection

Today’s journalling was about perfection. The picture above is my journal entry made even more not perfect.

I don’t think I have ever been a perfectionist. No. Rather spontaneous and rushing into things, starting with the level above “starter”.  And when making a mistake I tend to work around it, instead of starting again, yes, sometimes denying its existence, and making the best of it.

When I try perfection I feel pressure right away. I feel like a failure from the start, because I can’t reach the expectations I have of myself. So I try not to be perfect. I am not perfect. Not in the sense others define perfection. But I am perfect at the same time. In my own way. As is everyone.

I do not have to be perfect, just to give it my best shot. If I was perfect, all learing would be done with, what a boring outlook. I do not want to be perfect, I want to keep on learning.

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BridgeToYourDream

Collage, watersoluble crayons, acrylics and markers on heavy mixed media paper, size 29,7x42cm

Day 5 of the journal project was about the purpose in life. Buddha said: “Your Purpose in Life is to find your Purpose and give your whole Heart and Soul to it.”

This is something that I have been searching for seemingly for forever. My purpose in life. Once or twice I thought I had found it, but it turned out, it was not meant to be. Of course that time I felt more like a failure, not having been committed enough. There it is again, that word, commitment. But looking back I see it as experiences, they might have cost me the odd coin, but it was probably worth it. I did learn a few things along the way.

The above painting came to the surface after a tele-session with Andrea Schroeder, looking for my dream, my purpose, that I know is hiding someplace. I found out, that I am not yet ready to fully step into my dream, I have to feel safe. So I built this sturdy bridge, that will lead me to what it is, I am meant to be and do.

In my eyes everyone has a purpose in life. And the one, we all have in common, is to love, feel and show compassion. And everyone is on a different level in realising this purpose. I am convinced, this can only be done, if you can love and feel compassion for yourself. Accept yourself with all your flaws and perfections. Not to accept your flaws in a way that makes you say, it’s like that anyway, I can’t change, and not accept your perfections in a way to show off like “I can do this better than you”, no, you always have the choice in which direction you want to go, and you can always chose to change and better your flaws lovingly, and show and be proud of what you are able of without the need to hide it. This is what makes you you, what makes you precious.

So my first and foremost purpose in life is to accept MYSELF, my all and whole self, to love ME, to feel and have compassion for MYSELF. The next step will be to look for a way to do, what I always felt I want to do, help others on their way to find this love and compassion for themselves.

Maybe I will find a way through art.

 

 

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SunFlower1

Todays prompt in the 30 days journal-project was “To practise any art, no matter how well or badly, is a way to make your soul grow. So do it.” Kurt Vonnegut.

Arts, that I want to practise… I do not think, this is only about arts like painting, writing, crafting…. Anything really can be made to be an art, the art of loving (yourself), the art of living (a fulfilled life), the art of….. anything.

Writing in my journal I only focused on painting and singing, as arts that I would like to practise. I haven’t been singing “properly” for almost 15 years now and I miss it. The time for singing will come again. But I am painting, and it makes me feel good. With both arts I can express myself, they make my soul grow, because I feel good when I paint or sing. A growing soul shows confidence, and confidence lets my soul shine, makes me shine. I shine.

The painting above this post was made on stretched canvas, with collage, water-soluble crayons, acrylics and markers, in Summer 2012. It’s not big, about A4-A3 size, but it warms my heart the way it shines.

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– the leaves and branches will take care of themselves. Confucius.

TendingRoots

I am in love with this 30 days journalling project.
Of course it helps, that I am still on holidays and can take time for it – as well as for blogging.
Roots. One of my most important roots is self-care. And the realization that caring for yourself does not equal egoism.
These 30 days of journalling – and I most definitely intend to do at least 30 days – give me the chance to take a closer look at myself. To get to know this person better, what she wants and needs. This leads to Trust, in myself, in others, shows me that it is ok to let go of control. And more.
It turns out, that not only STEPS is a word for me this year, but also or even more TRUST, trust in myself, in others, in things that happen around me. This doesn’t mean that I have to take everything in a stride, without complaining, be fatalistic about it. But accept and act accordingly. Act. Find myself through acting and being honest. Another word TRUTH.
Journalling is good. And today it let me take out and try watercolours again. Years ago, more than 20, when I had my first try at painting, I started of with watercolours. A nice memory, it will be repeated….

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Last week a colleague of mine went on a stress-seminar for two days. She’s 25 years and already feels the go-go-go of everyday-working-life like so many of us.

She came back absolutely invigorated and full of knowledge, filled with tricks and advice, how to know before it’s too late and what to do, so it won’t come to the nowadays widely spread burn-out.

One of the things the trainer said was that you should always love yourself, be aware of what you are doing and giving in your job. And that you DESERVE everything you are getting and even more. Every break, and be it just 5 minutes, YOU DESERVE IT!

And who of you – including me – is always aware of this? Well, I for one am not. But more and more, everyday.

So, my colleagues like my paintings, and we are a great team with just the right connection, and I thought I give something “back” to them, especially since we – as a team – are together for exactly one year today. And this is what I made, “You Deserve”,  ink, watersoluable crayons, acrylics and marker on mixed media paper, 29,7x42cm (11,75″x16,5″)

 

You Deserve

You Deserve original painting

 

I would like them all to remember everyday that they DESERVE every praise, break, good word and so on, so I made a copy of the painting and cut it into pieces to write on. And that’s what they get to pin to the screen at work 🙂

 

You Deserve Cards

Your Deserve Cards

 

Du verdienst das = You Deserve

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A while ago, I think it was after a night out, a happy night out, I went to bed and while falling asleep I started to think about my kids. And whenever they occupy my mind like this I get a very warm feeling in my belly, like a cozy fire reaching up to my heart. And my heart feels so full of LOVE. For both of them. For each of them.

After I gave birth to our daughter, holding her in my arms and looking at her, I had the same feeling. That kind that brings tears to your eyes, happy tears, like spilling over. And I thought to myself, how can I ever share this LOVE that I feel now for my little baby with a babybrother or -sister to come some time? But I know now: This LOVE is not being shared. The second my son started growing in me it was not only him getting bigger. It was as if my heart was expanding in a different dimension and at the same time filling up with LOVE for this little being. And no LOVE had to be shared, it just came into being.

Knowing this I now can say with an absolute certainty about each of my children, that I LOVE one of them more without LOVING the other one less as well as being more proud of one of them without being less proud of the other. And it does make no difference whose name is in which part of these two certainties, they can be changed around all the time.

And having all these thoughts running around in my mind in what felt like hours, but was probably more like 2 minutes, I saw the rough picture of what I wanted to put on canvas next. So “Heart of A Mother” was being born. It is my biggest painting yet (a bigger yet canvas is waiting downstairs for me though) and it was pretty scary to start, but once I did I just kept on going.

Heart of A Mother, acrylics, markers and watercolour on canvas, 80×60 cm

HeartOfAMother

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